When you suddenly realise the blindingly obvious...

Another one from the archives.  This is five years old, but still a defining moment of pain I'll never forget.


"Good pain good pain good pain good pain"

This was my mantra while I was birthing my sons, and experiencing the most intense physical pain I have ever been in.  This week, I've discovered an emotional pain so raw and intense that it left me quite literally sleepless, hungerless, tasteless and thoughtless.  It took my breath away that in all that I've experienced in life, I had never quite felt grief and sadness like this.  I also discovered that it was possible to sit with this pain...to live with it, and experience it, and learn from it.  Most importantly, to learn from it...that it could become "good pain".

It took this catalyst to give me the impetus and courage to finally see what people had been trying to tell me for years.  I finally had that "clunk" moment, where it all fell into place.

You see, I have "abandonment issues", as those psychoanalytical people like to call them.  More simply, I'm perpetually paranoid that the people who are important to me, will bugger off on me.  In fact, the more important they are to me, the more paranoid I am about this.  Again, the psychoanalytical people can give you nice history on why this occurs - that I didn't have proper stable attachment figures as a child, that I never formed proper adult relationships based on true love and respect, that I have never learned to be happy with my own self etc., etc., etc.  The most damaging part of this, was that I was driven by this nagging fear, to be seeking constant reassurance from those around me that they were still there, that they would continue to be there, that everything was OK.  Ad nauseum.

My Dad, bless his cotton socks, has been trying to tell me for years "the thing is, you push people too much - you're always trying to get too close to people, too fast.  Slow down!".  I didn't get it.  I mean, I vaguely got it, in the abstract...but I didn't really get it until this week.  By constantly running around trying to ensure people weren't going to run off on me, I was chasing them so hard that...you guessed it, they had no choice but to run off on me.  I was fulfilling my own fears by trying to fix relationships that weren't even broken in the first place.

And I was so driven to do this, because the idea of being alone was so terrifying to me, I'd do anything to ensure that I wasn't.  I subjugated my whole "self" to those relationships - wanting to do anything, be anything, give up anything, to ensure that they continued.  Which meant that the genuine people, who had initially been attracted to me for me, found that the person they liked, was no longer there.  And therefore I fell into relationships with people who were more than happy to take advantage of my compliant nature, and developed a nasty habit losing myself.

This week, I finally realised, in that "truth has melded with mind" sort of way, what it truly means;

...that you have to love yourself, before you can properly love another
...that the only people worth having in your life, are those who want you, for YOU

Terrifying Drop

Terrifying Drop

It's true to say I fall in love
I don't sink comfortably into it
Or step, carefully, deliberately
Into all consuming passion.

I watch and it seems to me
You're different, it isn't the same
You exultantly throw yourself off the edge
Thrilled by the wind in your face
Happily seeking every opportunity to discover
If she's the one

While I am skittering, desperately clutching
Slipping, falling, terrified of every inch
Even as I crave the cool waterfall below
I'm fighting, fighting so hard not to fall

How can I step off if I don't know you'll catch me?
It's only in seeing that every time I slip, there you are
To pick me up and dust me off
A hundred little opportunities to see that you mean it
That you're here and you're real and
I can count on you

And every time you catch me
My grip is a little looser
My struggle a little less
I glance into the ravine below and think that
Maybe

Maybe soon
I can jump off the cliff after you

Circling your head, Contemplating everything you ever said

I have had recently both horrible writer's block, and a desperate need to lay digital pen to paper.  I'm trapped in the confines of what I feel to be a community and societal pressure to be almost perpetually positive, eternally tough and always "bright sided".  And inside...inside, a silent scream to be heard, to be really seen.  Because I'm not feeling positive.  Or tough.  Or even, very bright at the moment.

Yet, I'm stuck in a paralyzing grid of rules and expectations that I can barely navigate any longer.  Surrounded...alone.  I crave friendship, a chat, a kind word...for others to look in on me, pick up the phone or make the first move.  I can't ask, it seems, because that's attention seeking.  Desperate.  An emotional drain.

If I tell you how I'm really feeling, that I cry myself to sleep at least 3 nights a week, that my long suffering husband cares but can't be my lover, my friend and my community all in one package...if I tell you that the weight of scraping the bottom of our pockets to feed ourselves each week leaves me feeling like the worst failure as a parent...as a breadwinner...as a human being.  If I'm raw and honest and tell you that I really just want to have friends who talk, not just text, who tell me personally before publicly...that's demanding and petty, and selfish, and high maintenance.  You "whinge" too much.  Why don't you have an "attitude of gratitude".  Be positive.

So somehow I find the mask and I slip on my rubber smile.  I Facebook my new job, and how thrilled I am...neglecting to mention how bittersweet it is because my husband is still unemployed and how unfair that I can find a new job while still employed at the old one, and he is desperate to work, but can't.  I make lots of positive noises about how it's a good thing we haven't fallen pregnant straight away because it gives me time to settle into new my job...and stay silent about the pain of knowing that it's not for lack of trying, that we have been told that but for God's grace, we won't conceive naturally.  I'm tired of the knowing looks, the judgement and cynicism about Baker Boy's unemployment.  If you have all given up on him, then God knows why you feel surprised that he struggles not to.

And I'm tired.  I'm exhausted, pretending that it's OK, pretending I'm OK.  Pretending I don't care that I feel so alone surrounded by people, crushed by the weight of expectation and the pressure not to need real connections.  So I sit...paralyzed.  I have no idea what to do, where to turn or how to climb my way out...all I know is that writing this down, and letting it out...you'll probably think it's wrong.  Maybe it is.

But maybe isn't, maybe it's time to be real and stop dying to politely distant perfection.

How blessed we are by tantrums

Yes, you read me right.  How blessed we are by tantrums.  You see, I got to thinking the other day, about the walls and barriers we build up around ourselves...and that others put up to keep us out.

My own recent experience with the perils of shutting people out reminded me the immense value in both the intensely scary act of letting someone in...and the simple but invaluable act of being an available, accepting and loving support to those who give us this trust.

Get jiggy with your dark side

2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else Galatians 6:2-4

The Bestie has a saying; "We all have a dark side".  We were having a good chat about it yesterday, and it got me really thinking about the importance of becoming intimate with one's dark side...and embracing it.

Seasons and reasons

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

This week is once again, coming to the acceptance of God's will for me to work through a difficult season at the moment.  Accepting, with faith, hope and patience, that right now He asks me to walk a path that feels lonely, rough and unclear - the only promise absolute that He makes to me is my salvation in His son, and His love for me.

Hopeless Hope

So...life has kind of gone to pieces again in the last few weeks.  I remain faithful in my promises to my King to keep loving, keep waiting and keep hoping.  I know our Savior has a plan, I know my faith will not go unrewarded and I know that ultimately, no love is worthless no matter how it might turn out in the end.  Patience, faith, love and grace - I am doing my best to walk in these traits as He has asked me to do.

The geeklings father has also told me in the last week that he wants to share custody of our children 50/50.  It's been a huge shock to me - and while, ultimately, I think will be to the benefit of our sons, the idea of "giving up" that much of my children's lives just wrenches my heart out.  I had never imagined a time when they wouldn't be "all mine".

I'm sitting here wondering just how much ache one heart can take in a short space of time.  Sunday, a week and two days ago, I sat sobbing with a friend and all I could say to her through my tears was "I can't".

Her response?  "It's not 'I can't' - the words are God Help Me".  So...God, please help me.  With His help, I can do anything that is asked of me.

Project 366 : Day 4

I'd like to tell you today how grateful I am for Family W.  They've been friends of mine for several years now, and their support during that time has been utterly amazing.

Balancing unvarnished truth with amazing love and acceptance, Mrs W and her family have supported my sons and me through several crises in the last 18 months.  I don't know how I would have managed without their love, support and occasional kicks in the butt :-)

Project 366 : Day 3

I'm thankful today for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).  I need to get back and finish writing my blog series on CBT, but suffice to say, it's changed my life and I wouldn't be who I am, where I am, today, without it.

Project 366 : Day 2

COFFEE.  I'm thankful for coffee!  Awesome caffeinated goodness not only helps the ping to awakeness, it's such a comfort drink.  I love coffee to start the day, as well as a "treat me" when I'm feeling down.

366 Things...Day 1

I'm ON THE WAGON.  I grant you, I'm on the wagon 20 days late.  But...I boarded it, OK?  A lot of people I know on social networking sites (and, probably, the way these things go viral, a fair few of your contacts too) started 2012 pledging to post one thing every day that they are thankful for.  I missed the boat a wee bit, but that's not going to stop me from pledging a moment of daily gratitude for the next year...I'll just finish a bit late too!

Why 366?  Because this year is a leap year, there are 366 days this calendar year.

So...today, I'm thankful for my beautiful sons.  The geeklings have taught me more about myself and about life, than I ever could I have dreamed when I first fell pregnant almost seven years ago.

They've taught me how to be courageous even when I least feel like it.  They've taught me the immense value of the smallest gestures - a kiss, a cuddle, "I love you" and "I'm sorry".  They've taught me how to love unconditionally and without limits.

Being a parent might be one of the hardest jobs, but it's also one of the most rewarding.  I'm thankful today that I'm their mother.

Rearview Mirror : Part I

I am starting to realise, just how often, the things in our lives that seem to be the worst, God takes them and uses them in His good and perfect plans for us.  When I look over the last year of my life, I am very, very much reminded of the famous poem Footprints - I can see that at the times I felt most low and lonely, the times I wondered where God was and even before I had re-accepted Him into my heart, there He was.

Carrying me.  Planning for me.  Preparing a journey for me and taking each tear drop, every ounce of agony, and turning it to His purpose.  What seemed so painfully unclear and confusing, becomes so clearly part of His purpose when I look at it with the benefit of hindsight.  Let me tell you a story...

Trust me

The only way out is letting your guard down and never die forgotten (I know) Forgive me my love I stand here all alone And I can see the bottom

You, Breaking Benjamin

I have had a rough week, emotionally.  For no discernible reason this week, the enemy redoubled his efforts to con me into believing his lies, it's that week of the month where I become an irrational insecure cranky mess, my children were with their father all week and we had yet another week of impossible deadlines and inexplicably broken stuff at work.  After spending the lead up to Christmas and New Year in an outpouring of love to several friends who needed me, I was already running on empty and feeling spent.

How are you dying today?

The other morning, I went to send the bestie a text, asking "How are you going today?".  Like many of us, I've got a "smart" phone and mine is a Samsung with a predictive text tool called "Swype".  Some how, my missive came out at "How are you dying today?".  And, of course, me being me, that sparked a blog post.

I've read and heard a lot lately about "dying to yourself" - giving one's life over to the Lord.  It seems like a massive concept.  The idea of living a laid down life seems so huge, so daunting, I think it's one we often put in the bucket of being something that "better Christians" can do.  Someone else.  Surely not me, I don't have the faith for that.  The will.  But, "how are you dying today" helped me shift this view into bite sized pieces.

On optimism and the benefit of the doubt

Note: This is part of a series of posts that I wrote some time ago, but held off publishing until I'd had a chance to do the right thing by those involved (since if they read this, they'll know who they are).

I'm currently faced with a situation where I'm in a bit of a "direct information void", trying to anticipate the actions of someone  close to me, who has it in their hands to hurt me very, very badly.  I almost wrote "destroy me" but, I'm made of tougher stuff than that.  So, you know, as close to destroyed as someone who is indestructible can get ;-).

What it means to belong to Him

One of my favourite songs at the moment is My Future Decided by Hillsong United.  The chorus refrain is:

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours

I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying and reflecting on what it means to say that I belong to Him.

Love, actually

Source: Christian Stores

I put together some big (for me) bits and pieces about the nature of true love recently.  The bible comments on love from two perspectives - that we should love each other as Jesus loves us (John 13:34) and that we should love one another as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31).  Jo from Princess Warrior Lessons wrote a really good blog entry on the latter.

It sparked me to really internalizing the old adage "you can not truly love someone else, until you love yourself".  God wants us to to live love - to be love, give love and receive love.  For us to be the shining diamonds that channel and reflect His love, for all people, everywhere.

And that is why I'm on a Facebook ban!

Recently, after some consideration, I decided I needed a "Facebook ban" - some time out from social networking.  Knowing myself as I do, I knew I'd have to actually deactivate my account in order to stick to this! So I asked a trusted friend to take on admin of the pages I own that didn't already have a co-admin (including the fan page for this blog!), went through the Facebook "we'll miss you" guilt trip of deactivating and then the obligatory 12 hours of withdrawals LOL!

Two days later I realised perhaps I was being overly hopeful in assuming no-one on my friends list would assume it was about them and asked The Bestie to post on her status for me (since she has 90% of my friends list on hers!) explaining that I was taking a break.  I was immediately beset with texts from a concerned friend asking what was "wrong", and "who" had upset me, etc.  Then today, I received a text from another friend who is not on The Bestie's list, assuming I had deleted him over some banter we'd had on Facebook the previous week and feeling quite put out.

I'm not a survivor - I'm an Overcomer!

One of my favorite Bible passages at the moment comes from the book of Matthew, 19:26: Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

I have often referred to myself as a survivor - I'm tough and I can and do muddle through.  I know that quitting isn't an option most of the time, and combined with my natural loyalty, this leads me to grit my teeth and get through, if barely at times.

The Bestie gave me the most beautiful compliment recently when she said to me "you have a strength of mind stronger than almost anyone I know - you can get through anything you set your mind to".  Lately though, I've felt that this word falls short and is needlessly limiting.  I don't want to just survive, I don't think God intends for me to simply trudge through adversity in endless discomfort.  With my Lord beside me, I am no longer just a survivor - I'm an overcomer.

Fairy cakes and reality bites

I've been thinking lately a lot about the hidden secrets of the heart...and the way life almost never pans out that way.  I had myself a nice little sookie to my brother on the weekend asking him to explain one of the men in my life, to which he replied "I would but I can't, bro code" (which I think, secretly, is boy for "actually, I've no idea, but I won't admit it"!).  Despite my plea of "not even for your heart broken sister", all I got was "Bro code.  But heart broken sisters can have hugs."  Cheers dude...!