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Friday, January 6, 2012

Trust me

The only way out
is letting your guard down and never die
forgotten (I know)
Forgive me my love
I stand here all alone
And I can see the bottom

You, Breaking Benjamin

I have had a rough week, emotionally.  For no discernible reason this week, the enemy redoubled his efforts to con me into believing his lies, it's that week of the month where I become an irrational insecure cranky mess, my children were with their father all week and we had yet another week of impossible deadlines and inexplicably broken stuff at work.  After spending the lead up to Christmas and New Year in an outpouring of love to several friends who needed me, I was already running on empty and feeling spent.

So I did what seems to have become my new normal since recognizing how my anxiety was affecting other people: shut everyone out, internalised and tried to "just deal with it, Sunshine".  Oh, I prayed, of course.  In a broken, angry way - asking God for help to fix it all myself, for help to keep shutting people out.  For help to just not care.  And all it seemed I could hear from Him, was a reminder of the promises I had to made to Him, to keep going, to keep loving and to keep laying down, to give myself joyfully and whole heartedly to the tasks He had given me.  I felt like He was asking me to once again be a doormat, that He too was distancing Himself from me as several of my friends were, and of course, I was angry about that too.

Last night, I hit my final wall.  Failed.  Broken.  Unfixable.  Unwanted.  Unworthy.  I got into the shower and sobbed.  I dried my eyes, and read my daily passage and devotional (I'm currently working my way through the NIV Women's Study & Devotional edition).  I got out my prayer journal.  I got down on my knees and prepared to work through my daily prayers for others.

I prayed for The Bestie.  I prayed for the Spunky Monkey.  And then...I couldn't do it any more.  On my knees, I lay across my bed, arms out stretched and began to sob again.  Father, I'm broken, I'm lost and I just don't know any more.  I've failed.  I'm not worthy.  I know I haven't lived up to your plan for me and I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know how to do it, I don't know what to do.  Help.  Please me.  I don't even know what to ask for, I am just baring my brokenness, my shame and my fear to you.  I'm giving you my bitterness, my anxiety, my grief and my anger.  I'm handing everything over, and all that I can say is that I don't know anything but my Father in Heaven.  I've been arrogant.  I've been impatient.  I've let down those I love.  I've been needlessly anxious.  I've been wrong.

And, He answered me in the most amazing way.  I had an extremely REAL sense of His presence with me.  I had a very clear vision of myself in a warm, comfortable living room, sitting at His feet as He stroked my hair and held me, curled up and sobbing in His arms.  Whispering gently to me, I love you.  I am here for you...I have always been here for you...I'm so glad you're home.  Why didn't you come to Me earlier?

Slowly, as I cried, I began to feel that my tears were no longer tears of anguish, but tears of healing.  That I was actually able to release all of the toxic and negative things that were holding me back this week.  I felt His love washing over me and through me, healing my hurts, restoring my energy.  I went to bed snugly tucked up knowing the love of my Father who replenishes all things, heals all things and guides all things...if only we will trust Him to do so!  There I had been, trying so stupidly to "fix it" by myself, to organise, to plan, to "do" - when all I needed to do was to remember to hand my life to Him and just be.

Like many things - in holding things in to protect myself, all I had done was robbed myself of the full power of relationship.  I slept soundly, and awoke reminded that I am not to shield myself, most especially not from Him.  That my heart is His to protect and I need to stop trying to do it myself, and trust my Father to hold me steady as I work to be an open and loving light of His.

I remembered last night...

...that it doesn't matter that I am broken, a sinner and imperfect.  He forgives all things through His Son's work on the cross...and I too, can be freely forgiving and forgiven
...that I don't have to know the timeline, the game plan or the outcome - all these are secure with Him.  All that is asked of me is to walk with Him in trust
...that the more I give, to Him and to others, the more will be returned to me - don't shut down and shut off!
...that He will never leave me or turn away from me when I reach out to Him

Most importantly, that no matter what, He will never let me down.  No matter what disappointments I suffer, what mortal situations let me down, His love, patience and guidance are eternal.

I usually try to quote from the Bible in these, but the Breaking Benjamin song above spoke to me today.  The only way out - is to let my guard down.  Because I know walking with Him, that I will never die...or be forgotten. :-)

Praise be to God!

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