When you suddenly realise the blindingly obvious...

Another one from the archives.  This is five years old, but still a defining moment of pain I'll never forget.


"Good pain good pain good pain good pain"

This was my mantra while I was birthing my sons, and experiencing the most intense physical pain I have ever been in.  This week, I've discovered an emotional pain so raw and intense that it left me quite literally sleepless, hungerless, tasteless and thoughtless.  It took my breath away that in all that I've experienced in life, I had never quite felt grief and sadness like this.  I also discovered that it was possible to sit with this pain...to live with it, and experience it, and learn from it.  Most importantly, to learn from it...that it could become "good pain".

It took this catalyst to give me the impetus and courage to finally see what people had been trying to tell me for years.  I finally had that "clunk" moment, where it all fell into place.

You see, I have "abandonment issues", as those psychoanalytical people like to call them.  More simply, I'm perpetually paranoid that the people who are important to me, will bugger off on me.  In fact, the more important they are to me, the more paranoid I am about this.  Again, the psychoanalytical people can give you nice history on why this occurs - that I didn't have proper stable attachment figures as a child, that I never formed proper adult relationships based on true love and respect, that I have never learned to be happy with my own self etc., etc., etc.  The most damaging part of this, was that I was driven by this nagging fear, to be seeking constant reassurance from those around me that they were still there, that they would continue to be there, that everything was OK.  Ad nauseum.

My Dad, bless his cotton socks, has been trying to tell me for years "the thing is, you push people too much - you're always trying to get too close to people, too fast.  Slow down!".  I didn't get it.  I mean, I vaguely got it, in the abstract...but I didn't really get it until this week.  By constantly running around trying to ensure people weren't going to run off on me, I was chasing them so hard that...you guessed it, they had no choice but to run off on me.  I was fulfilling my own fears by trying to fix relationships that weren't even broken in the first place.

And I was so driven to do this, because the idea of being alone was so terrifying to me, I'd do anything to ensure that I wasn't.  I subjugated my whole "self" to those relationships - wanting to do anything, be anything, give up anything, to ensure that they continued.  Which meant that the genuine people, who had initially been attracted to me for me, found that the person they liked, was no longer there.  And therefore I fell into relationships with people who were more than happy to take advantage of my compliant nature, and developed a nasty habit losing myself.

This week, I finally realised, in that "truth has melded with mind" sort of way, what it truly means;

...that you have to love yourself, before you can properly love another
...that the only people worth having in your life, are those who want you, for YOU

Terrifying Drop

Terrifying Drop

It's true to say I fall in love
I don't sink comfortably into it
Or step, carefully, deliberately
Into all consuming passion.

I watch and it seems to me
You're different, it isn't the same
You exultantly throw yourself off the edge
Thrilled by the wind in your face
Happily seeking every opportunity to discover
If she's the one

While I am skittering, desperately clutching
Slipping, falling, terrified of every inch
Even as I crave the cool waterfall below
I'm fighting, fighting so hard not to fall

How can I step off if I don't know you'll catch me?
It's only in seeing that every time I slip, there you are
To pick me up and dust me off
A hundred little opportunities to see that you mean it
That you're here and you're real and
I can count on you

And every time you catch me
My grip is a little looser
My struggle a little less
I glance into the ravine below and think that
Maybe

Maybe soon
I can jump off the cliff after you

Circling your head, Contemplating everything you ever said

I have had recently both horrible writer's block, and a desperate need to lay digital pen to paper.  I'm trapped in the confines of what I feel to be a community and societal pressure to be almost perpetually positive, eternally tough and always "bright sided".  And inside...inside, a silent scream to be heard, to be really seen.  Because I'm not feeling positive.  Or tough.  Or even, very bright at the moment.

Yet, I'm stuck in a paralyzing grid of rules and expectations that I can barely navigate any longer.  Surrounded...alone.  I crave friendship, a chat, a kind word...for others to look in on me, pick up the phone or make the first move.  I can't ask, it seems, because that's attention seeking.  Desperate.  An emotional drain.

If I tell you how I'm really feeling, that I cry myself to sleep at least 3 nights a week, that my long suffering husband cares but can't be my lover, my friend and my community all in one package...if I tell you that the weight of scraping the bottom of our pockets to feed ourselves each week leaves me feeling like the worst failure as a parent...as a breadwinner...as a human being.  If I'm raw and honest and tell you that I really just want to have friends who talk, not just text, who tell me personally before publicly...that's demanding and petty, and selfish, and high maintenance.  You "whinge" too much.  Why don't you have an "attitude of gratitude".  Be positive.

So somehow I find the mask and I slip on my rubber smile.  I Facebook my new job, and how thrilled I am...neglecting to mention how bittersweet it is because my husband is still unemployed and how unfair that I can find a new job while still employed at the old one, and he is desperate to work, but can't.  I make lots of positive noises about how it's a good thing we haven't fallen pregnant straight away because it gives me time to settle into new my job...and stay silent about the pain of knowing that it's not for lack of trying, that we have been told that but for God's grace, we won't conceive naturally.  I'm tired of the knowing looks, the judgement and cynicism about Baker Boy's unemployment.  If you have all given up on him, then God knows why you feel surprised that he struggles not to.

And I'm tired.  I'm exhausted, pretending that it's OK, pretending I'm OK.  Pretending I don't care that I feel so alone surrounded by people, crushed by the weight of expectation and the pressure not to need real connections.  So I sit...paralyzed.  I have no idea what to do, where to turn or how to climb my way out...all I know is that writing this down, and letting it out...you'll probably think it's wrong.  Maybe it is.

But maybe isn't, maybe it's time to be real and stop dying to politely distant perfection.

Three little words

This is very loosely a sequel to grungerockchick's guide to the fairer sex where I talked about why I really don't think chicks are that hard to figure out.  I am a big proponent of Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages, and my primary languages are Words of Affirmation, with a dash of Physical Touch.

So this entry is another sassy relationship commentary on why I really don't think words are that freaking difficult! :)

You see the biggest single problem with Words of Affirmation, is people...ahem, especially men...seem to have some idea that this means long winded poetry or, those dreaded words "I love you".  Not so!  It's more about quality and less about quantity.  I have been with men who could talk the hind leg off a donkey and yet still leave me feeling unloved.  I've also been with men who said very little, but in a few phrases could make me feel like the most loved woman on the face of the earth.  I have friends who make me feel loved every day with only a sentence or two.

grungerockchick's guide to the fairer sex

So I was having a wee lil whinge, as you do, to a friend this morning about life in general and as often happens, we had a nice little vent session about you gentlemen.  You see, I really don't think we're that hard.  Really.

When I said to my friend that there are really only three rules you need to follow, she laughed.  Then I told her what they were and she said "Heh.  You're kinda right you know".  I know :).  So, read on...!

How blessed we are by tantrums

Yes, you read me right.  How blessed we are by tantrums.  You see, I got to thinking the other day, about the walls and barriers we build up around ourselves...and that others put up to keep us out.

My own recent experience with the perils of shutting people out reminded me the immense value in both the intensely scary act of letting someone in...and the simple but invaluable act of being an available, accepting and loving support to those who give us this trust.

Hopeless Hope

So...life has kind of gone to pieces again in the last few weeks.  I remain faithful in my promises to my King to keep loving, keep waiting and keep hoping.  I know our Savior has a plan, I know my faith will not go unrewarded and I know that ultimately, no love is worthless no matter how it might turn out in the end.  Patience, faith, love and grace - I am doing my best to walk in these traits as He has asked me to do.

The geeklings father has also told me in the last week that he wants to share custody of our children 50/50.  It's been a huge shock to me - and while, ultimately, I think will be to the benefit of our sons, the idea of "giving up" that much of my children's lives just wrenches my heart out.  I had never imagined a time when they wouldn't be "all mine".

I'm sitting here wondering just how much ache one heart can take in a short space of time.  Sunday, a week and two days ago, I sat sobbing with a friend and all I could say to her through my tears was "I can't".

Her response?  "It's not 'I can't' - the words are God Help Me".  So...God, please help me.  With His help, I can do anything that is asked of me.

Truth, beauty and a picture of you

This is another in a series that was written some months ago, but I withheld publishing until now.  I think I wrote this back in October 2011.


One of the songs by The Whitlams that never fails to mist me up is No Aphrodisiac - "there's no aphrodisiac like loneliness...truth, beauty and a picture of you".  It's a really poignant song that speaks to me about looking for love in all the wrong places, giving ourselves too freely, too soon and too much because we are longing to be loved in return.  I'm writing today's post in honor of several friends who have given their hearts recently to men who aren't sure if they want them...ladies, I want YOU to know your beauty.

Several months ago, I was preparing to attend my grandmother's funeral.  In the dark quiet of the wee hours, I shuffled around the house getting ready - ironing my best dress, fixing my hair, finding a necklace she gave to me which I rarely wear because it's not "me", but wanted to wear that day.  I wore it as my link to the past, and a pair of ear rings from the man who holds my heart which I wear daily as my hope for the future.  I finished fixing my make up, and looked in the mirror, to catch a glimpse of that first five minutes of "make up perfection" that never seems to last quite past your front step!  And I realised...I am beautiful.  No, not because I have stunning features or a figure to die for (I wish!).  But I am a beautiful woman who is tender of heart, loyal, compassionate and generous to a fault, and for all of my flaws and insecurities, I have an inner strength and beauty that deserves to be cherished, because my silent soul has the strength and faith to move mountains, to do what needs to be done, no matter the cost.  YOU have this, YOU are beautiful.  We ALL are.

Trust me

The only way out is letting your guard down and never die forgotten (I know) Forgive me my love I stand here all alone And I can see the bottom

You, Breaking Benjamin

I have had a rough week, emotionally.  For no discernible reason this week, the enemy redoubled his efforts to con me into believing his lies, it's that week of the month where I become an irrational insecure cranky mess, my children were with their father all week and we had yet another week of impossible deadlines and inexplicably broken stuff at work.  After spending the lead up to Christmas and New Year in an outpouring of love to several friends who needed me, I was already running on empty and feeling spent.

On optimism and the benefit of the doubt

Note: This is part of a series of posts that I wrote some time ago, but held off publishing until I'd had a chance to do the right thing by those involved (since if they read this, they'll know who they are).

I'm currently faced with a situation where I'm in a bit of a "direct information void", trying to anticipate the actions of someone  close to me, who has it in their hands to hurt me very, very badly.  I almost wrote "destroy me" but, I'm made of tougher stuff than that.  So, you know, as close to destroyed as someone who is indestructible can get ;-).

Love, actually

Source: Christian Stores

I put together some big (for me) bits and pieces about the nature of true love recently.  The bible comments on love from two perspectives - that we should love each other as Jesus loves us (John 13:34) and that we should love one another as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31).  Jo from Princess Warrior Lessons wrote a really good blog entry on the latter.

It sparked me to really internalizing the old adage "you can not truly love someone else, until you love yourself".  God wants us to to live love - to be love, give love and receive love.  For us to be the shining diamonds that channel and reflect His love, for all people, everywhere.

Until I hear it from you, it's not a fact

Have you ever thought about how dangerous gossip and third hand information are?  About our ability to read almost everything into almost nothing and just how dangerous the lack of information can be to the psyche and how damaging to relationships?

My new life motto is: Until I hear it from you, it's not a fact.

Do I make you uncomfortable?

Discomfort can be good, if you recognise it and use it appropriately.  Oftentimes, we don't listen to others or reject their point of view not because we've considered it and found it to be lacking, but because it makes us uncomfortable and we don't want it to be true.  

Human beings are geared to react evasively to pain and generally this serves us well - when we touch the hot stove and it hurts, we back away.  When we cut ourselves with the kitchen knife, we learn to be more careful.  This reflex, however, tends to fall flat on its face and be counterproductive when it comes to receiving advice and guidance from others, or working through "tough stuff" in interpersonal relationships.  Rather than sticking out the tough stuff, we turn tail and run...often cutting off our nose to spite our face!

Fairy cakes and reality bites

I've been thinking lately a lot about the hidden secrets of the heart...and the way life almost never pans out that way.  I had myself a nice little sookie to my brother on the weekend asking him to explain one of the men in my life, to which he replied "I would but I can't, bro code" (which I think, secretly, is boy for "actually, I've no idea, but I won't admit it"!).  Despite my plea of "not even for your heart broken sister", all I got was "Bro code.  But heart broken sisters can have hugs."  Cheers dude...!

So, this is grief...

So...this is grief.  I'm writing this, because I feel the need to explain, semi-publicly, my inner heart.  And why this might seem incongruous with my semi-bubbly persona at work, on social networking sites...the "public me".

You've got all the time in the world...not.

Life seems to be intent on beating several lessons into me at the moment.  Fairly brutally and painfully.  I've realised recently that...
People will be in your life if they choose to be - there's no point in worrying that they may choose not to be here tomorrow, if they are here today
Stress less, and deal with issues IF they come up
Talk less and listen more.


This morning, I was painfully reminded that life stands still for no-one.

Perils of impulsive blogging...or, why my man rocks socks!

I have to admit, I am feeling fairly sheepish right now.  The where-is-the-nearest-paper-bag-big-enough-for-my-head kind of sheepish.  I did a fairly major oops on this blog last week and wanted to share it so that you can benefit from my experience without pissing off your own beloved and so that I can publicly eat some humble pie and apologise to mine!

Respect and the continuum of consent

My continuing education in the world of functional interpersonal relationships has led me to some pondering this week on the nature of respect and the true meaning of "consent", and how they interrelate.

The fundamental basis of respect is the recognition that everyone else in our lives is ultimately the master of their own body, thoughts and personal space.  That they may choose to share them with us, for periods of time and to varying degrees, but that it is not our right to take those things for ourselves, without them being freely given.  When we respect another person, we see them as being fully capable and entitled to dominion over their own self, aware and educated enough to make choices for themselves, even if they are not the choices that we would make in their place.  The interesting thing about this is that the more we are able to clearly see and respect the boundaries of another, the more they are able to share and work closely with us.

Do unto others...

You remember this one, I'm sure : "Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you".  In other words - treat others the way you would like to be treated.  I'd like to call "rubbish!" on that and say it's a self centered model whose proper usecase is as a stepping stone in developing the limited empathic capacity of children, and as adults, we are capable of better.

I submit to you that you probably do not like all of the same things that I like.  Possibly, you prefer tea and I like coffee.  Or perhaps your idea of a relaxing time is a couple of drinks at the pub, and I'd much prefer a cuppa and my book.  My point?  The key to true functional empathy is envisaging not "what would I want in that situation", but rather "what is it that this other person might like".  Imagining your own self in someone else's shoes is merely the first step to developing empathy - by embracing the idea that the other person in a situation is their own individual, has a different vantage point on it and has their own set of needs.  However, this first exercise still only encourages thinking from your own viewpoint - recognising that others have needs, yes; but identifying what those needs are from your own point of view.

This is fine, and appropriate, for a child who is still coming to terms with the idea of other people as individuals who are not merely there for his own amusement and convenience!  But as thinking adults, we ought to be able to go one step further and leap from "What would I want in your shoes" to "What would best help you, in your shoes?".  The latter moves beyond merely recognising the separateness of another individual, to recognising the uniqueness of another individual and that what may be right for me, may not be right for them.

So...next time you're tempted to offer up a platitude, give someone space, a hug or a cuppa stop and ask yourself "Is this what they would want, or am I merely doing what I would want, because it's less effort than trying to wrap myself around their viewpoint?"

What do you think?  Should we raise the bar from "treat others how you would want to be treated"?

Communication divide in the digital world

This is a blog post that's been kicking around in my head for at least 12 months, I reckon.  But having manifested itself again in my life this week, I've decided it's time for the metaphoric pen to come to paper.

We live in arguably the most connected world ever - at least in terms of technology and opportunity.  At no other time in history has it been so easy, so cost effective to exchange substantial and meaningful contact with anyone, almost anywhere on the planet.  And yet, interpersonal communication and, dare I say it, basic respect and not-so-common courtesy, seem to be taking a massive beating.