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Saturday, September 10, 2011

So, this is grief...

So...this is grief.  I'm writing this, because I feel the need to explain, semi-publicly, my inner heart.  And why this might seem incongruous with my semi-bubbly persona at work, on social networking sites...the "public me".

You see, before last Thursday, I was already in a process of grief, growth and rebirth.  I was already travelling what felt like a hard path, although a necessary one, emotionally.  Playing alongside that inner journey, were still the more mundane stressors of life - handling two active primary schoolers, a health scare, the countdown to moving into my new home, finance issues with my bank.  It felt as though I was already pretty near my limit of "shit I can handle right now".

And then in the space of twenty four hours, my world got shattered all over again, as I lost someone I love, again.  One of the few people who had been a solid rock in my life since the moment of my birth, right through to my adulthood.  I can't, and won't try, to put into words, what it felt like.  I am incredibly blessed to have The Bestie in my life, who sat "with" me - 800km away on the other end of the phone - and just spoke soothingly while I sobbed, because there were just no words for how I felt.  I thank God every day for bringing her into my life.

The reality of my life, at the moment, is that I have six days left in which to pack up my house, finalize my finance before settlement, attend an interstate funeral and meet an important deadline at work.  I need, also, to be able to give emotionally to my friends, some of whom are also going through Hell right now.  I literally feel as though I don't have the time I want and need to grieve this loss properly right now.  I don't have the luxury of being able to break down, to stop, and that just makes it so much harder.  As cold as it sounds, life does not stop, does not pause, simply because my inner heart is in turmoil and pain right now.

So...publicly, I'm "keepin' on truckin' " as another Mummy friend would say, because that's what we do.  My brother helped me packing today, and we cracked stupid jokes and took funny between hugging each other when grief came to the surface and spilled out into tears.  I'll go to work on Monday and be cheerful and stoic with my colleagues because if I don't laugh, I'll cry and I'm not sure how I'd stop.  I'm posting stupid crap on social networks, because my grief is too raw, and too private, to put into your feeds.  I need to keep pretending, most of the time, that life is OK, because life does go on, and this pain, too, will pass and as I live through it, give way to my beautiful memories.