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Thursday, September 8, 2011

You've got all the time in the world...not.

Life seems to be intent on beating several lessons into me at the moment.  Fairly brutally and painfully.  I've realised recently that...
People will be in your life if they choose to be - there's no point in worrying that they may choose not to be here tomorrow, if they are here today
Stress less, and deal with issues IF they come up
Talk less and listen more.

This morning, I was painfully reminded that life stands still for no-one.

You see, my elderly grandmother has been ill for a while.  Two months ago I made several trips interstate to see her - to ensure I cherished the moments I did have left with her, aware that they might be gone all too soon.  I made myself a promise that I would continue to try to make that trip, that I would make sure I kept up the contact.

Then, as intervened.  There was a major event in my life a month ago today, in fact...and I cancelled the trip I had been going to do the week after.  Emotionally, for a variety of reasons, I felt like I couldn't face it at that time, and told myself I would go in a few weeks.  I continued to phone.

And this morning on the way to work, I realised it had been two weeks since I spoke with her, and put it on my mental to do list that I would ring this evening.  I was planning to go down in three weeks after my move was complete and I had care arranged for my sons...I'd see her soon.  Just as I was mulling this, and about sixty seconds away from work, my phone rang.  My Dad's number.

She's not in a good way.  She's been going downhill all week.
Do you think, I asked, that this is it?
He sighed.  I don't see that she will come back from here.
What's...what's happened? I asked, as I choked back yet more tears.  I think I have cried a river in the last six weeks.

He described a rapid decline since Sunday, told me she was now pretty out of it on morphine.  I asked if she could still talk on the phone.  No.  Do you think then...that's it and I have lost my chance to speak with her?

He paused...sighed.  I don't know.

I can not tell you how much I am kicking myself right now.  For the arrogance of thinking life would wait for me while I sorted out my own stuff.  For not reaching out, again, and letting someone I loved know that they were important to me.  For not telling her I had plans to come and see her, that I was coming back soon.  For thinking I had all the time I needed to do those things, rather than working them into the fabric of everything I've been handling lately.  I sat at my desk this morning and wept not just for a life slipping away, but my own foolishness of lost opportunities.  I wish I'd picked up the phone on Sunday like I meant to.  Told her I loved her.  I was thinking about her.  I would be coming back to see her as soon as I could.

That phone call you've been putting off?  The visit you thought you'd make next week?  Do something about it today.  Those that are within your grasp today, might just have slipped out of reach by tomorrow.


  1. Hugs sweetheart.
    We can only do so much, please dont be too hard on yourself. It's not exactly a trip across town. I am sure she knows you love her and are doing your best to get back to her side.

    You are so right though, that those things in your grasp today, can so easily not be tomorrow, and to never take any moment for granted.

    Hugs sweetheart, and here if you need to chat.

  2. Thanks honey. I know, and I am trying to be gentle with myself. But still...I fell short of who and what I wanted to be here, and it sucks.

  3. HUGS again... know that although time may be shortening for your time with her, your time is still yours to become who it is you want to be, every breath is another chance for you to start working towards that you that makes you proud!