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Tuesday, April 3, 2012

How blessed we are by tantrums

Yes, you read me right.  How blessed we are by tantrums.  You see, I got to thinking the other day, about the walls and barriers we build up around ourselves...and that others put up to keep us out.

My own recent experience with the perils of shutting people out reminded me the immense value in both the intensely scary act of letting someone in...and the simple but invaluable act of being an available, accepting and loving support to those who give us this trust.

It reminded me of something from my own childhood that hinders me from time to time.  A friend and I had made a tape of our very private conversations, discussing her issues with life and mine.  I think we were all of thirteen at the time.  Of course, most of it seems trivial now, but in there somewhere, I had also bared my soul about my struggles with self harm, about my desire to end my life.  My natural mother found the tape and I remember her chiding me, angrily - not for the thoughts I was having or the marks on my wrists, but for talking about them.  People, she told me, do not want to hear those things.  Nobody will be friends with you if you go around sharing stuff like that.  You need to stop it.

I remember since that day fighting a war within myself - the desperate desire to be honest about who and what I am and be received in loving acceptance...and the desperate fear of rejection.  What's this got to do with my sons' tantrums?  Well...everything.

How blessed we are that our children trust us so completely that they can totally let go and bare to us all of their raw emotion like that.  How very few adults in our lives, feel that secure and comfortable in their relationships with us that they can let down all their walls with us?  And how very few adults in our lives do we feel that same security and comfort with?

I thank God every day that no matter what, I will always have that security and comfort in my relationship with Him...there is no part of me that He does not want to know.

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