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Monday, August 29, 2011

Holding on and letting go

I'm in a process of massive personal growth and upheaval right now.  Three weeks ago, I worked out something fairly major about where I've been going wrong for a good chunk of my life, where I needed to go, and how to get there.  Now I'm stuck into the middle of the hard work of actually getting there. It's a process of holding on...and of letting go.  It's terrifying and empowering and thrilling and devastating all at the same time.

I'm letting go of...Jealousy, insecurity, guilt, shame, hurt, hate, fear and the need to please others by living my life for them, rather than alongside them.  I'm letting go of the idea that I need any affirmation from others that my love or my life is worthwhile, worthy or of value.  I'm letting go of the idea that any one person's opinion of me can be so vital as to scar my soul.  I'm letting go of the guilt and shame about my many mistakes, so that I move forward to learn from them.  I'm letting go of the need to seek out approval from anyone but myself.  I'm letting go of the fear of rejection or betrayal that was creating monsters of jealousy and insecurity that could wreck otherwise fantastic relationships.  I'm letting go of the fear of loss that made me hold on so tightly, I was crushing the butterflies in my life rather than caressing them.

I'm holding on to...beautiful memories, exciting plans and the ability to chart my own destiny.  I'm holding on to the love in my heart and the knowledge that I can love just as deeply in absence as I can in presence.  I'm holding on to my own strength, courage and determination.  I'm holding on to the knowledge that I am still beautiful, generous, warm and giving in spite of my flaws, and that I have the strength of heart to change that which needs to be changed.  I'm holding on to the knowledge that whoever chooses to share my days with me, I can laugh freely, love completely and live fully...tomorrow will take care of itself.

Most of all...I'm learning how to be still and let go of my need to know, to plan, to control.  I'm learning how to be still in each moment and  To enjoy the things in today that are wonderful, without worrying myself that they may not be here tomorrow.  I wish that I'd had the presence of mind I have now, to have starting doing this some months ago...and I'm learning to let go of the guilt, shame and regret about that, too.  I'm holding on to the faith that what is meant to be, will be...on it's own timeline and not mine.

I went through an incredibly dark time a few weeks ago, and received a beautiful message during that time, that I would like to pass forward.

"I am just sending you love.  I don't need anything back in return.  Just love love love sent your way"

So...I am sending YOU love, dear reader.  Love, warmth and peace, sent your way.  I don't need to know who you are, or anything in return from you...I just want to send you a message of peace today, and the gift of  a friend telling you that you're beautiful.  Because we are all gorgeous, unique and wonderful, in spite of and perhaps because of, our flaws...for it is those times when we stumble that give us the opportunity to grow and strive to overcome.

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