Jesus is not my shield!

I had a little "moment" in worship yesterday.  You see, I'm a sinner.  I'm broken.  I'm lost.  I make mistakes..."often and repeatedly" as Baker Boy would say.  I'm also saved through the amazing sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  And I'm so used to thinking of that in the following ways:

...my sins are covered by the blood of Christ...
...God views me as whole and perfect through Jesus....
...my sins are washed in the blood of Christ...

Three little words

This is very loosely a sequel to grungerockchick's guide to the fairer sex where I talked about why I really don't think chicks are that hard to figure out.  I am a big proponent of Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages, and my primary languages are Words of Affirmation, with a dash of Physical Touch.

So this entry is another sassy relationship commentary on why I really don't think words are that freaking difficult! :)

You see the biggest single problem with Words of Affirmation, is people...ahem, especially men...seem to have some idea that this means long winded poetry or, those dreaded words "I love you".  Not so!  It's more about quality and less about quantity.  I have been with men who could talk the hind leg off a donkey and yet still leave me feeling unloved.  I've also been with men who said very little, but in a few phrases could make me feel like the most loved woman on the face of the earth.  I have friends who make me feel loved every day with only a sentence or two.

grungerockchick's guide to the fairer sex

So I was having a wee lil whinge, as you do, to a friend this morning about life in general and as often happens, we had a nice little vent session about you gentlemen.  You see, I really don't think we're that hard.  Really.

When I said to my friend that there are really only three rules you need to follow, she laughed.  Then I told her what they were and she said "Heh.  You're kinda right you know".  I know :).  So, read on...!

Crossing the bridge

Today is Easter Sunday.  Today we celebrate the true meaning of Christ's work for us on the cross...that He not only died for us, but that He was raised to life again for us.

Like many Christians around the nation and around the world, I spent a few hours this morning in a community of faith, worshipping my Savior and giving thanks and praise to Him.  It was also, for me, an opportunity to reflect on what Easter means to me as a Christian, and I'd like to share that with you.

How blessed we are by tantrums

Yes, you read me right.  How blessed we are by tantrums.  You see, I got to thinking the other day, about the walls and barriers we build up around ourselves...and that others put up to keep us out.

My own recent experience with the perils of shutting people out reminded me the immense value in both the intensely scary act of letting someone in...and the simple but invaluable act of being an available, accepting and loving support to those who give us this trust.

Actually, I have nothing to say

Those of you who follow my personal Facebook account would, I'm sure, have noticed the silence.

You haven't all been stuck on limited profile.  I literally have nothing to say right now.

I am working through some fairly massive trust issues and right now.  I've become someone I never thought I would be - someone who trusts no-one, is cynical, jaded and closed.  Someone with a core of bitter hurt that seems intent on smouldering endlessly inside, tainting everything.  Someone I don't want to be.

Stand by as I grind down for v3.0...

Get jiggy with your dark side

2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else Galatians 6:2-4

The Bestie has a saying; "We all have a dark side".  We were having a good chat about it yesterday, and it got me really thinking about the importance of becoming intimate with one's dark side...and embracing it.

Seasons and reasons

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

This week is once again, coming to the acceptance of God's will for me to work through a difficult season at the moment.  Accepting, with faith, hope and patience, that right now He asks me to walk a path that feels lonely, rough and unclear - the only promise absolute that He makes to me is my salvation in His son, and His love for me.

Hopeless Hope

So...life has kind of gone to pieces again in the last few weeks.  I remain faithful in my promises to my King to keep loving, keep waiting and keep hoping.  I know our Savior has a plan, I know my faith will not go unrewarded and I know that ultimately, no love is worthless no matter how it might turn out in the end.  Patience, faith, love and grace - I am doing my best to walk in these traits as He has asked me to do.

The geeklings father has also told me in the last week that he wants to share custody of our children 50/50.  It's been a huge shock to me - and while, ultimately, I think will be to the benefit of our sons, the idea of "giving up" that much of my children's lives just wrenches my heart out.  I had never imagined a time when they wouldn't be "all mine".

I'm sitting here wondering just how much ache one heart can take in a short space of time.  Sunday, a week and two days ago, I sat sobbing with a friend and all I could say to her through my tears was "I can't".

Her response?  "It's not 'I can't' - the words are God Help Me".  So...God, please help me.  With His help, I can do anything that is asked of me.

Truth, beauty and a picture of you

This is another in a series that was written some months ago, but I withheld publishing until now.  I think I wrote this back in October 2011.


One of the songs by The Whitlams that never fails to mist me up is No Aphrodisiac - "there's no aphrodisiac like loneliness...truth, beauty and a picture of you".  It's a really poignant song that speaks to me about looking for love in all the wrong places, giving ourselves too freely, too soon and too much because we are longing to be loved in return.  I'm writing today's post in honor of several friends who have given their hearts recently to men who aren't sure if they want them...ladies, I want YOU to know your beauty.

Several months ago, I was preparing to attend my grandmother's funeral.  In the dark quiet of the wee hours, I shuffled around the house getting ready - ironing my best dress, fixing my hair, finding a necklace she gave to me which I rarely wear because it's not "me", but wanted to wear that day.  I wore it as my link to the past, and a pair of ear rings from the man who holds my heart which I wear daily as my hope for the future.  I finished fixing my make up, and looked in the mirror, to catch a glimpse of that first five minutes of "make up perfection" that never seems to last quite past your front step!  And I realised...I am beautiful.  No, not because I have stunning features or a figure to die for (I wish!).  But I am a beautiful woman who is tender of heart, loyal, compassionate and generous to a fault, and for all of my flaws and insecurities, I have an inner strength and beauty that deserves to be cherished, because my silent soul has the strength and faith to move mountains, to do what needs to be done, no matter the cost.  YOU have this, YOU are beautiful.  We ALL are.

Blind Faith

Six months ago, God gave me a task.  I took it on, and I walked with Him, and just as even my very last supporters were flagging in faith, things changed as He said that they would.  Despite every conceivable indication that I was wrong, there came a fresh breath of hope.

Just before that, He gave me another task.  He asked me to walk with Him and have faith in Him, no matter what.  He gave me a mission and a timeline.  He told me it would be tough.  But He also promised to hold me through it all, and that the rewards would be more than I could imagine.

My task took a major battering this week.  But...I'm still walking.  I'm still praying.  I'm still hoping.  Most of all, I'm holding on to my faith in Him and the knowledge that no walk He asks of me will ultimately be fruitless.  I don't get it right now, I'm in the midst of a whole world of pain, but I know He has a purpose here and that not a single one of my tears is shed in vain.

If you're so inclined, I'd appreciate your prayers this week.  Pray for strength, and pray for an open and loving heart.

Pray for me that love wins in the end.

Project 366 : Day 4

I'd like to tell you today how grateful I am for Family W.  They've been friends of mine for several years now, and their support during that time has been utterly amazing.

Balancing unvarnished truth with amazing love and acceptance, Mrs W and her family have supported my sons and me through several crises in the last 18 months.  I don't know how I would have managed without their love, support and occasional kicks in the butt :-)

Project 366 : Day 3

I'm thankful today for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).  I need to get back and finish writing my blog series on CBT, but suffice to say, it's changed my life and I wouldn't be who I am, where I am, today, without it.

Project 366 : Day 2

COFFEE.  I'm thankful for coffee!  Awesome caffeinated goodness not only helps the ping to awakeness, it's such a comfort drink.  I love coffee to start the day, as well as a "treat me" when I'm feeling down.

366 Things...Day 1

I'm ON THE WAGON.  I grant you, I'm on the wagon 20 days late.  But...I boarded it, OK?  A lot of people I know on social networking sites (and, probably, the way these things go viral, a fair few of your contacts too) started 2012 pledging to post one thing every day that they are thankful for.  I missed the boat a wee bit, but that's not going to stop me from pledging a moment of daily gratitude for the next year...I'll just finish a bit late too!

Why 366?  Because this year is a leap year, there are 366 days this calendar year.

So...today, I'm thankful for my beautiful sons.  The geeklings have taught me more about myself and about life, than I ever could I have dreamed when I first fell pregnant almost seven years ago.

They've taught me how to be courageous even when I least feel like it.  They've taught me the immense value of the smallest gestures - a kiss, a cuddle, "I love you" and "I'm sorry".  They've taught me how to love unconditionally and without limits.

Being a parent might be one of the hardest jobs, but it's also one of the most rewarding.  I'm thankful today that I'm their mother.

Trust me

The only way out is letting your guard down and never die forgotten (I know) Forgive me my love I stand here all alone And I can see the bottom

You, Breaking Benjamin

I have had a rough week, emotionally.  For no discernible reason this week, the enemy redoubled his efforts to con me into believing his lies, it's that week of the month where I become an irrational insecure cranky mess, my children were with their father all week and we had yet another week of impossible deadlines and inexplicably broken stuff at work.  After spending the lead up to Christmas and New Year in an outpouring of love to several friends who needed me, I was already running on empty and feeling spent.

How are you dying today?

The other morning, I went to send the bestie a text, asking "How are you going today?".  Like many of us, I've got a "smart" phone and mine is a Samsung with a predictive text tool called "Swype".  Some how, my missive came out at "How are you dying today?".  And, of course, me being me, that sparked a blog post.

I've read and heard a lot lately about "dying to yourself" - giving one's life over to the Lord.  It seems like a massive concept.  The idea of living a laid down life seems so huge, so daunting, I think it's one we often put in the bucket of being something that "better Christians" can do.  Someone else.  Surely not me, I don't have the faith for that.  The will.  But, "how are you dying today" helped me shift this view into bite sized pieces.

On optimism and the benefit of the doubt

Note: This is part of a series of posts that I wrote some time ago, but held off publishing until I'd had a chance to do the right thing by those involved (since if they read this, they'll know who they are).

I'm currently faced with a situation where I'm in a bit of a "direct information void", trying to anticipate the actions of someone  close to me, who has it in their hands to hurt me very, very badly.  I almost wrote "destroy me" but, I'm made of tougher stuff than that.  So, you know, as close to destroyed as someone who is indestructible can get ;-).

What it means to belong to Him

One of my favourite songs at the moment is My Future Decided by Hillsong United.  The chorus refrain is:

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours

I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying and reflecting on what it means to say that I belong to Him.

Love, actually

Source: Christian Stores

I put together some big (for me) bits and pieces about the nature of true love recently.  The bible comments on love from two perspectives - that we should love each other as Jesus loves us (John 13:34) and that we should love one another as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31).  Jo from Princess Warrior Lessons wrote a really good blog entry on the latter.

It sparked me to really internalizing the old adage "you can not truly love someone else, until you love yourself".  God wants us to to live love - to be love, give love and receive love.  For us to be the shining diamonds that channel and reflect His love, for all people, everywhere.